Nostalgia

Nostalgia

This morning came with an interesting surprise, I awoke from a dream with a strange, pulsating feeling of nostalgia. A sense of not-belonging, a non-entity, an alien in my own being. I didn’t necessarily dislike the feeling, or the mood it brought upon the day, but rather welcomed it and enjoyed it.

It’s not everyday that I wish I were somewhere else altogether...

It actually happened more often when I was younger, but in those times I would act on it impulsively, grab a backpack and just hit the road, wherever it would take me --North, South, East or West. Hitchhiking. Eventually I’d come back and tell of my experiences, which proved to be a great asset for dating. Of course, you’d do these things when you were in your middle teens, a boy, and as your hormones are raging.  And also when school was out. 

So, I immediately identified it. It was that old taste of reminiscence, the longing for a land’s flavors and things.. I am an expat and I’m owning it; it's me, has been me for so long now, I feel it’s been engraved hard down and deep. This “me” that I encounter is long due for a return to the old place of my roots. There’s a calling from a that far away land with such intensity, it takes over every scent, every feeling, every breath. It’s the call of the earth, and if you’ve been an expat, you’d most likely know it. The powerful mind presence and the innate state of one’s character are almost everywhere -- but always raging with a subtle passion. It's the distinctive memory of rushed loves, big loves, sleepy loves, natural loves, and that unforgettable First Love.

It's a second mother, a jealous mother and a possessive one; she won’t let go or let you forget her. It's my Argentina, with her passionate lover, Buenos Aires. It's the original Big Sur, the open and the wide. It's my flesh, my furious heart, my soul. It's what I’m made of, for better or for worse. For the rest of my life. 

And yet, the whole world is within me.

On the road, again. In a foreign land, again, I'm discovering yet another set of fragrances, another taste of 'being', like a newborn, except…

Getting older now, it's not as easy to get up on misty mornings. Bones abide by gravity and remind me of who I am. Older, and maybe not much wiser, but I take what I can get. At least, I am.

Always had respect for life, always revered it and honored it. But I never got into plants, however. My love for animals superseded the rest and I could only think the reason behind it was that I had a special kind of empathy for them, especially the ones in the wild. Tough. Tough life. 

Pets are so lucky for the most part. All they do is snap their little claws and dinner is served. They get bathed, pampered and loved better than the royals in South East Asia. But they are cute. Can't take that away from them.

But maybe because I'm more contemplative now that I'm older, I love to see plants grow and flowers bloom. It gives one a sense of pride and accomplishment. My babies. Look at them grow…

Yes, life can't stop. It will happen no matter what they do or don't do. Same with us. We are here to witness and learn. The great thing is that we learn from everything; the good AND the bad. 

I discovered that learning is what keeps me going, what keeps pushing me out of bed on those cold winter mornings. The curiosity of seeing an autumn leaflet graciously fall to the ground, waving and dancing all the way down. And the renewal of spring? What a treat! To be alive to witness all of that is what makes this amazing life worth living. As the cycles of nature go on and on, so do we. The bones might hurt a bit more but the spirit is thriving. 

May it be so for yourself as well.