The Alien Who Came To Dinner

(and blew everyone's mind)

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

The Alien sat at the table with us waiting for dinner. It doesn’t matter how many light years away you come from, you don’t say no to an Italian recipe cooked by an Italian mamma.

Besides, the trip made him hungry and you could tell by the big bulgy eyes that he was looking forward to it. He kept on checking Ma’s movements eagerly waiting for that meal.

We were trying to make conversation and find things out but he couldn’t care less. He could sense satisfaction was coming.

“Here you go,” Ma said, rushing from the kitchen to the table, straight to him, our impromptu guest of honor.

His eyes got even bigger when he got served that delicious gnocchi ala Toscana. His tiny nose, if you could call it that, was fluctuating between thin and wide. He was tasting it already and you could tell he couldn’t wait.

I’ve never seen an Alien eating before, but this guy was a sight to behold.

I don’t know why Ma bothered with the silverware. He didn’t even use any. The food went up to his little mouth kinetically. He just sat there, and with his eyes closed with pleasure, he chewed his food at a remarkably slow pace. This Alien boy knew how to enjoy a nice hot Italian dish.

We just stared, dumbfounded, and Ma stood frozen in time with her mouth open right where she served the man. She couldn’t move and like us, she couldn’t believe this.

It took him an unbelievable 45 minutes to eat his plate. Then he went for the salad and pudding.

Maybe they don’t feed him on his planet or maybe he was fed up with those astronauts tiny cubicles for food.

Before we could say or do anything else, a colorful hologram started floating over his huge head, spinning slowly the words, “Thank you,”. “Your kindness has been archived”.

Then, he devoured the flan Ma had made for everyone.

This alien was something else but we considered ourselves very lucky to have him. Didn’t know exactly what to do with him, but that didn’t matter.

We were having a “fantastic” time.

When all was said and done, he and his floating hologram walked over to our dog, “Licker”, who was just as mind-blown as we were and without even making a sound, just rolled over on his back and exposed his belly.

The spaceman must’ve had dogs before because he rubbed his tummy and played with him like an old buddy who just came back.

Photo by Stephen Leonardi on Unsplash

Licker had severe arthritis for some time now, having the years weighing on his back. He was getting too old and we were already expecting the inevitable outcome, although we never talked about it. It was too painful a subject to address.

Starman to the rescue! He slowly caressed his entire back and legs, and finally his head, for something that was nothing short of a miracle.

Not only was Licker completely cured of his malaise but he had the oomph of a puppy again and didn’t wait to show it jumping and running like a maniac all over the house, the rooms, the beds, and the couches.

“We are keeping this astro-boy!” Someone said I think it was Grandpa.

And he was right.

Ma, a strict Catholic, started giving thanks to God and all his angels and she was also right. We’ve been blessed with an incredible gift.

If he could do that to Lucky, what couldn’t he do for us? But wait, we might want to ask nicely first. What if he refuses or worse, what if he just leaves?

We don’t even know where he came from. He just appeared out of thin air in our living room, probably because he smelled Ma’s cooking. Or the panini, or the flan.

We need to confer calmly, all sitting together, offer him a glass of our best Italian wine, and discuss this. Persuade him or bribe him with food and wine. Like the Romans.

Photo by Alex Ghiurau on Unsplash

Hell, get him drunk if we have to.

We are a slightly big family. Without counting hundreds of cousins and third cousins and whatnot. We all have aches and pains, some have serious illnesses and the rest are making them up for the hell of it so they get attention.

But what if he still doesn’t agree? What if he must go back before taking care of all of us?

Oblivious to our serious concerns, he’s still playing with the dog.

“Excuse me, er…sir?” Ma said, taking the initiative. “Are you an angel?”

The star boy turned around slowly, paused for a few seconds that felt forever, and then his hologram revealed his answer. “No, sweet human mother, I’m not an angel,” “I am from the IRS”

We couldn’t believe we just heard that.

We couldn’t make any sense of what he said.

We were paralyzed by the surprise of such a shocking answer.

We looked at each other without knowing what to say, how to respond.

“During my last visit, I learned jokes from another human family. They taught me that one for moments like these but I don’t really know what it means.” “Was it funny?”

“Noooooooo!” We all howled together.

“It’s ok, though, no worries” “Listen….” I started to say.

“We, all of us here wish to thank you for what you’ve done healing our Licker, and we would like to ask you if you could help us too, as some of us aren’t doing well either.”

“You…you, think you could do that for us and stay with us a little longer?”

Again, that awful pause got everyone skipping a heartbeat. This one was much longer. I’m thinking to myself, please, Lord, don’t let it be another joke.

Finally, his whole head turned purple-blue and the beautiful hologram popped up again saying, “We will extract the maladies that allow extraction, but some are karmic and cannot be stopped,” He said, as the regular colors returned to his face.

“I will depart now, but not before I give you what you call a talisman in the form of a tiny box that will cure your future ills,”

“For a special offer of $19.99 plus tax”

The silence was deafening.

“That was another I was told to use,” “Was it funny?”

“Yes, that was very funny; that one worked really well,” Grandpa said, in all his wisdom. We all chuckled nervously, nodding our heads.

“The truth is,” the Alien continued, “This talisman box I’ll leave with you is quite simple. When someone is sick, place it on their chest for 2 minutes.” “What you call a miracle will happen again.”

The box only contained a titillating stone. Ma took custody of it. After all, the starman offered it to her, wishing her well, with his hologram hovering above his bubble head. The next message was blessings for the rest of us and thanking us for the meal and the wine.

And just like he came, he left, having done his earthly deed. But at least, to his credit, he spared us one last Alien joke.