The Incredible Story of The Man who Made a Fortune on Substack

And he placed his profits on an offshore account to fool the IRS. How did he do it?

Do you want to make an excellent living on Substack? Out of 8 billion people on the planet, 7.9 want the same thing. The rest are living with their grandma in her basement. But I digress.

This platform is THAT popular.

Are you frustrated by your lack of success? Are you receiving unfounded criticism? Are people ignoring you and not appreciating you? Well, buddy…You are doing it all wrong.

Stop trying so hard to please everyone. Stop wasting your time with clickbait titles. They are cheesy and look terrible.

I got you.

You have a problem that has you scratching your head because you can’t figure out why nothing works.

You have done everything by the book, read a million how-to’s, followed, subscribed, and commented in all the right places and to all the right people. You have shamelessly promoted yourself, hoping that would make a difference.

It didn’t. You posted cute stuff, trying to move even the British Monarchy emotionally. (I have bad news for you on that one.)

You’ve bothered everyone with the same questions to the point of almost getting banned or blocked. You even begged.

You emailed Substack managers complaining of the lack of positive results and threatened them with a lawsuit because you quit Uber driving, thinking this was the next gold rush. Now, you want payback.

I feel you. No one else does.

First things first: You’re doing it all wrong. And it has been a waste of precious time for quite a while now.

Forget all that you’ve been told and start anew like a baby.

This is what you need to do:

• Get an honest lawyer (pro bono won’t do) and start suing everyone for emotional distress and discrimination—or something like that.

• Get an accountant. One that won’t rip you off.

• Open a separate bank account offshore to stash your profits if the IRS hits you.

• Exercise and take B12.

• If you have a wife or husband, get rid of them. They’ll ruin you.

• Open a different bank account, and for the love of God, don’t tell them!

• Open an LLC company and invest in stocks and bonds. Start by investing in your own company and then in René Volpi’s Offbeat Chronicles. He’s a sure bet.

• Side hustle: anything you can think of, including telling everyone to join your venture. Give your enterprise and your Substack handle an illustrious name. Something sexy.

• Get your family members to become your affiliates and use their money to invest in this project. Promise them high returns.

• If you have any left unburnt, hit social media: Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, and blogs. Link everything to your new Substack account. Think only of yourself, and under no circumstances slip up and expose your own identity.

• Make posts on “Notes” about how fast you’re making it and what little effort was involved.

• Engage your audience by asking them to invite everybody and their mothers to come to Papa (that’s you).

• Sit back, relax, and breathe. Then look at your progress already. Yes, you see real money coming in, so do not hyperventilate. Pet your pets. That’ll soothe you.

• Excel your income and confer with your accountant. Trust, but verify. If Excel confirms that you’re almost rich, post the data and show it to everyone as proof. Encourage more investments on your enterprise.

• Hire employees to help install VPN networks. You’re going to need them. Download Tor, the secret browser for crooks and tax evaders.

• Write a letter to the managers apologising for your behaviour (but only after you’re rich).

• Call Uber and tell them, “Thank you for the job, but shove it.” That will give you a nice dopamine boost. Don’t tell them your name, just in case. Life is weird.

• Tell everybody you love them. Everybody likes to hear that. It’s up to you if you mean it.

• Imagine that Substack was created specifically for you. They just didn’t know it. That will make you feel better.

• Have AI write a bunch of reference articles promoting you as the best thing since sliced bread and what an amazing creator you are. You may as well have included that you were twice a bestseller on the NYT list. Nobody checks.

• If everything went according to plan, you could consider dropping some lawsuits. Keep the ones who are willing to settle. Those are cash in your pocket.

  In conclusion, you’ll realise the absurdity of it all without judgment and, most importantly, without writing one single article worth reading.

  How are you feeling about it? You got the revenge you wanted, and no one is the wiser. That feels good, right? That’s the idea. 

There you have it—the key to success on Substack without lifting a pen.

And you can still walk around — for a while — telling everyone you meet that you are a celebrated writer. Whoo hoo!

Who says America isn’t the land of opportunities?

Losers and liars, that’s who!

And don’t let anyone tell you differently.

~o~

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