I think, when I was growing up, we were taught to imagine ourselves in someone else's shoes. These days, schools tend to spend all the class time preparing kids to score well on tests, but they don't seem to emphasize any version of caring about someone else's plight. So many kids are enabled, thinking they can do no wrong, they are better than someone else, and that if they did do something they know is wrong that their parents will pull a Karen and fix it with no consequences. This is compounded by kids in less than ideal situations hiding their need for help and/or acting out because the lack of empathy from their peers is increasing their levels of jaded thinking. Kids learn what they are taught by repetition. In otherwords, if the the parent is constantly telling the child he/she is smarter than everyone else and better than everyone else, the child will learn that behavior, just as a child who is repeatedly told he is dumb, eventually accepts that he is dumb, and stops trying. I call this brainwashing by repetition. It works on children and adults. Particularly if what they keep hearing is what they want to hear. I went to catholic school. The reason they required us to wear uniforms was to create a condition where all the kids were dressed the same to even the playing field. It wasn't 100% effective, but it went a long way toward keeping things somewhat level. As far as teaching empathy, educators can only do so much, but it might help to have classes is socialization, where the students are required to do projects that help others. If they don't understand the level of needs, they will never do anything about helping fill those needs. In this case, ignorance really is bliss because it allows the enabled to ignore those who could benefit from a little help, and feel no guilt or regret. It reminds me of a favorite song, "On The Turning Away" by Pink Floyd. I recommend everyone add it to their playlist! Then listen to it everyday!
I read in a recent book called Stolen Focus that people who read lots of fiction (as opposed to non-fiction) actually had higher levels of empathy. It was fascinating to me. Lovely essay. Thank you.
I agree, and not because I have read a lot of fiction. It is because fiction teaches us what it is to be human. Despite differences in culture, there are universal needs. Love always tops the list. As does kindness, generosity and understanding.
I beg your pardon @ Rene Volpi. It’s my bad. I do believe so much on empathy, lots of it, but on a clear day, it can go on forever when people cut each other’s throat. Listen to the millions spent on weaponizing enablers to pulverize the people in Hamas. Depends on the hegemon who would never shed a tear to remain on top.
Here's a quote from the book--and I think they went on to prove it! (I no longer have the book at hand to give you stats!) :)
“When you read a novel, you are immersing yourself in what it’s like to be inside another person’s head. You are simulating a social situation. You are imagining other people and their experiences in a deep and complex way. So maybe, he said, if you read a lot of novels, you will become better at actually understanding other people off the page. Perhaps fiction is a kind of empathy gym, boosting your ability to empathize with other people—which is one of the most rich and precious forms of focus we have. Together, they decided to begin to study this question scientifically.”
― Johann Hari, Stolen Focus: Why You Can't Pay Attention - and How to Think Deeply Again
Fascinating. Although, it can't be true. Not when you consider tens of thousands of writers who didn't write fiction, but wrote true to life volumes that ended up helping people conquering loneliness, depression, even suicide. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not what you might call a fiction writer and yet, my empathy levels are at a high mark. It's a very interesting proposition, though. Thank you so much for sharing! ❤️🌹❤️
Empathy is equal parts compassion & imagination. You need to have ready access to feelings of compassion for others' adverse circumstances. Plus you need to imagine yourself facing similar circumstances. Our imagination will give us a 360 degree multisensory 'view' of what that would feel like. Then my compassion has a reference point, & whatever help I then offer rings true.
Such a thought provoking idea, teaching empathy to those it does not come to naturally…
I also rate high on the empathy scale and continue to work on a healthy balance so as not to harm myself or others, taking it too far.
I often find myself struggling to understand (empathize) with people who lack empathy for the most innocent among us (children, animals and elderly)… I am studying & learning about them & why some people never learned the skills to care for others.
I found myself becoming judgmental and even angry with them and I know that does not help them and only acts as a repellant, so instead I started to ask non threatening questions to try to understand. So far, I have found a few of these people to be wonderful humans who lack the tools & some just want to continue being self focused…
To be honest I still don’t understand, but I will continue the journey and focus on helping those who want to learn.
Love this comment. Someone wise once said that everyone advances and evolves at their own pace. That was probably one of the best lessons ever, for I realised how true that is. People change, another great lesson. We are complex beings learning as we go on living. That's the beauty of it.
Well we’re born narcissistic - can’t do a thing for ourselves & know it from this subconscious place where not even aware as individual yet. And then the nurturing, or lack; kind loving disciplines & hopefully understanding of boundary setting for yours & others well being is understood. If not you’re some version of that after development & so many children were NOT blessings no matter what religions promulgated; that needs weren’t met (is shaming to those helplessly in need); in large families, where no edu about birth control was known, children raised children. My Nana God-love her, called her oldest sister “Nana.” She had to leave school after 6th grade to work & help her mother (who was missing a leg). She said she had it good though- the boys had to leave in 4th to work in the coal mines. Yeah- where the motto was: if the black lung doesn’t get you, the alcohol will. Her nephew died at 38. ‘Both, no doubt.
I search for empathy posts everyday. Yours popped up again. Did I invite you to help cosponsor CARE Education? Check it out at https://proempathy.us/careedml. It's focused on cultivating empathy in students grades K-12 as well as teaching them about the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
We are hardwired for empathy. Research supports this thinking. Empathy helps insure survival. We learn what to do with those feelings from others, socialization. Learning begins before birth. I believe we learn until we die. I believe we can learn, or teach how to touch gently, speak softly, how a tilt of our head wit a smile on or face can tell someone that everything will be okay.
I am right there with you, Rene. Our polarized world on the edge of ending our own species is the result of an empathy deficit. We must make empathy central to every issue. Next time you're with your neighbor ask them this question. What are you most proud of that has helped the most people outside of your immediate family? The question activates their empathic brain. Keep it up. Restacked!
Rene, thank you for this text. I really appreciate your insight that listening is the key to empathy. This opens up some new mental landscapes for me. Good luck in your writing journey.
I love watching big groups of people talk about stuff as I sit there and listen. Whenever my wife and I have friends over, I don't talk that much. I just like observing everybody. Even when I'm 1-1 with my friends, I like to let them talk about whatever they want to talk about. I love learning from people. I think listening is so underrated. I use my writing to express myself so much that when I get in front of friends, I don't really feel the need to say anything. I've already said it all in my writing. Maybe a steady writing habit could help people be better listeners?
I don't know about writing per se, but I'm beyond positive that if folks chose to engage with arts in general, we would all reap the benefits of a far better world. "You might say I'm a dreamer...🎶 🎼" :)
Beautiful post, Rene and I agree wholeheartedly. I think what has been learned (i.e., competition, dominance, lack of empathy) can be unlearned. And replaced with new modes of behaviour and understanding. Listen. Listen. Listen. And observe and learn.
A dose of humility also helps. No one is above another. Not above another human or any nonhuman animal. Ignore hierarchies. And yes, always help when you can. This is the human thing to do.
I remember when I was a child, I used to look for ants and burned them with a magnifying glass. Other kids shot birds with sling shots, catch frogs to mutilate them. That, unfortunately is still the norm. Kids are overtly cruel. To this day, I'm still haunted by my lack of empathy. The only thing that I could say to redeem my actions, is that many a times, I stopped the kids in my school from destroying these poor birds they caught in some kind of vice they'd set up. Pure, unabated sadistic cruelty. Thankfully, there's always one or more to stop those actions from continuing, but the original intention is disturbing in and of itself. Thinking about it in depth, I came to the conclusion that 90% of it stems from boredom, pure and simple. If, instead, we had teachers who taught us to play an instrument, work with clay, paint, etc, all of those aberrations would come to pass.
Yes, boredom, but boredom does not have to lead to cruelty. As you said, there is art, music, libraries, books, etc. to keep kids busy, as well as sports, nature and just hanging out.
It has to be acknowledged that America is a society that is cruel and violent in so many ways. What I am saying is that people act violently, when violence is an accepted norm.
Despite this reality, there are kind and loving people, many here on Substack. You are an example; you are not the child of long ago.
Not sure if my behaviour with the ants didn't happen because of my situation. I was 8, you see, and my parents were separating. Enter Grandma and to live with her. Old school Italian woman with her own life to live. I was neglected and felt it. Lonely too, since she lived in another town where I didn't know anyone at first. Boredom is putting it mildly. But I'm sure if I had coaching of some sort, I wouldn't have felt so bad. Abandoned, really. :(
I think, when I was growing up, we were taught to imagine ourselves in someone else's shoes. These days, schools tend to spend all the class time preparing kids to score well on tests, but they don't seem to emphasize any version of caring about someone else's plight. So many kids are enabled, thinking they can do no wrong, they are better than someone else, and that if they did do something they know is wrong that their parents will pull a Karen and fix it with no consequences. This is compounded by kids in less than ideal situations hiding their need for help and/or acting out because the lack of empathy from their peers is increasing their levels of jaded thinking. Kids learn what they are taught by repetition. In otherwords, if the the parent is constantly telling the child he/she is smarter than everyone else and better than everyone else, the child will learn that behavior, just as a child who is repeatedly told he is dumb, eventually accepts that he is dumb, and stops trying. I call this brainwashing by repetition. It works on children and adults. Particularly if what they keep hearing is what they want to hear. I went to catholic school. The reason they required us to wear uniforms was to create a condition where all the kids were dressed the same to even the playing field. It wasn't 100% effective, but it went a long way toward keeping things somewhat level. As far as teaching empathy, educators can only do so much, but it might help to have classes is socialization, where the students are required to do projects that help others. If they don't understand the level of needs, they will never do anything about helping fill those needs. In this case, ignorance really is bliss because it allows the enabled to ignore those who could benefit from a little help, and feel no guilt or regret. It reminds me of a favorite song, "On The Turning Away" by Pink Floyd. I recommend everyone add it to their playlist! Then listen to it everyday!
I read in a recent book called Stolen Focus that people who read lots of fiction (as opposed to non-fiction) actually had higher levels of empathy. It was fascinating to me. Lovely essay. Thank you.
And btw; thank you for your lovely comment.
Hmm. 🤔 That's interesting. Do you think it can be true?
That seems to make sense (depending on the novel ;), since it’s a way to “walk in another’s shoes,” or on their path if they haven’t any shoes ;).
I agree, and not because I have read a lot of fiction. It is because fiction teaches us what it is to be human. Despite differences in culture, there are universal needs. Love always tops the list. As does kindness, generosity and understanding.
:) very much so- & e can identify, relate, especially if we’ve had similar experiences- it brings home how much we are really alike & connected.
Beautifully said… we don’t know what’s going on behind someone’s front door.
A smile may just be what someone needs to feel a bit better.
Funny you say that, Joyce. Some people smile with their eyes, which show the content of their hearts. Those are my kind of people. 🌱
So right, Rene… real smiles are with the eyes. I learned long ago that although the mouth may smile, you can see in the eyes whether it’s genuine.
Yes, the eyes show the heart.
Exactly, Perry
I beg your pardon @ Rene Volpi. It’s my bad. I do believe so much on empathy, lots of it, but on a clear day, it can go on forever when people cut each other’s throat. Listen to the millions spent on weaponizing enablers to pulverize the people in Hamas. Depends on the hegemon who would never shed a tear to remain on top.
Or a non-verbal “hello,” fellow human.
Indeed 🙂
Here's a quote from the book--and I think they went on to prove it! (I no longer have the book at hand to give you stats!) :)
“When you read a novel, you are immersing yourself in what it’s like to be inside another person’s head. You are simulating a social situation. You are imagining other people and their experiences in a deep and complex way. So maybe, he said, if you read a lot of novels, you will become better at actually understanding other people off the page. Perhaps fiction is a kind of empathy gym, boosting your ability to empathize with other people—which is one of the most rich and precious forms of focus we have. Together, they decided to begin to study this question scientifically.”
― Johann Hari, Stolen Focus: Why You Can't Pay Attention - and How to Think Deeply Again
Fascinating. Although, it can't be true. Not when you consider tens of thousands of writers who didn't write fiction, but wrote true to life volumes that ended up helping people conquering loneliness, depression, even suicide. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not what you might call a fiction writer and yet, my empathy levels are at a high mark. It's a very interesting proposition, though. Thank you so much for sharing! ❤️🌹❤️
Empathy is equal parts compassion & imagination. You need to have ready access to feelings of compassion for others' adverse circumstances. Plus you need to imagine yourself facing similar circumstances. Our imagination will give us a 360 degree multisensory 'view' of what that would feel like. Then my compassion has a reference point, & whatever help I then offer rings true.
Such a thought provoking idea, teaching empathy to those it does not come to naturally…
I also rate high on the empathy scale and continue to work on a healthy balance so as not to harm myself or others, taking it too far.
I often find myself struggling to understand (empathize) with people who lack empathy for the most innocent among us (children, animals and elderly)… I am studying & learning about them & why some people never learned the skills to care for others.
I found myself becoming judgmental and even angry with them and I know that does not help them and only acts as a repellant, so instead I started to ask non threatening questions to try to understand. So far, I have found a few of these people to be wonderful humans who lack the tools & some just want to continue being self focused…
To be honest I still don’t understand, but I will continue the journey and focus on helping those who want to learn.
Thank you 🙏
Love this comment. Someone wise once said that everyone advances and evolves at their own pace. That was probably one of the best lessons ever, for I realised how true that is. People change, another great lesson. We are complex beings learning as we go on living. That's the beauty of it.
Well we’re born narcissistic - can’t do a thing for ourselves & know it from this subconscious place where not even aware as individual yet. And then the nurturing, or lack; kind loving disciplines & hopefully understanding of boundary setting for yours & others well being is understood. If not you’re some version of that after development & so many children were NOT blessings no matter what religions promulgated; that needs weren’t met (is shaming to those helplessly in need); in large families, where no edu about birth control was known, children raised children. My Nana God-love her, called her oldest sister “Nana.” She had to leave school after 6th grade to work & help her mother (who was missing a leg). She said she had it good though- the boys had to leave in 4th to work in the coal mines. Yeah- where the motto was: if the black lung doesn’t get you, the alcohol will. Her nephew died at 38. ‘Both, no doubt.
Beautiful -thank you.
Thank you! 🌹
Beautifully put.
Well, if you liked it, I'm doing something right. ✌️💯
I search for empathy posts everyday. Yours popped up again. Did I invite you to help cosponsor CARE Education? Check it out at https://proempathy.us/careedml. It's focused on cultivating empathy in students grades K-12 as well as teaching them about the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
Yes, thank you kindly.
We are hardwired for empathy. Research supports this thinking. Empathy helps insure survival. We learn what to do with those feelings from others, socialization. Learning begins before birth. I believe we learn until we die. I believe we can learn, or teach how to touch gently, speak softly, how a tilt of our head wit a smile on or face can tell someone that everything will be okay.
Of course. But empathy can only be taught by someone with a heart. So many are disconnected. One may have to learn on her own. I did.
I am right there with you, Rene. Our polarized world on the edge of ending our own species is the result of an empathy deficit. We must make empathy central to every issue. Next time you're with your neighbor ask them this question. What are you most proud of that has helped the most people outside of your immediate family? The question activates their empathic brain. Keep it up. Restacked!
Great recommendation. You're so on point, too. Thank you! 🌱
Rene, thank you for this text. I really appreciate your insight that listening is the key to empathy. This opens up some new mental landscapes for me. Good luck in your writing journey.
So glad I accomplished such a feat and manage to help. Thank you for a wonderful comment! ✌️
ReStack. Immediately. Bravo.
I love watching big groups of people talk about stuff as I sit there and listen. Whenever my wife and I have friends over, I don't talk that much. I just like observing everybody. Even when I'm 1-1 with my friends, I like to let them talk about whatever they want to talk about. I love learning from people. I think listening is so underrated. I use my writing to express myself so much that when I get in front of friends, I don't really feel the need to say anything. I've already said it all in my writing. Maybe a steady writing habit could help people be better listeners?
I don't know about writing per se, but I'm beyond positive that if folks chose to engage with arts in general, we would all reap the benefits of a far better world. "You might say I'm a dreamer...🎶 🎼" :)
But your not the only one.
Beautiful post, Rene and I agree wholeheartedly. I think what has been learned (i.e., competition, dominance, lack of empathy) can be unlearned. And replaced with new modes of behaviour and understanding. Listen. Listen. Listen. And observe and learn.
A dose of humility also helps. No one is above another. Not above another human or any nonhuman animal. Ignore hierarchies. And yes, always help when you can. This is the human thing to do.
I remember when I was a child, I used to look for ants and burned them with a magnifying glass. Other kids shot birds with sling shots, catch frogs to mutilate them. That, unfortunately is still the norm. Kids are overtly cruel. To this day, I'm still haunted by my lack of empathy. The only thing that I could say to redeem my actions, is that many a times, I stopped the kids in my school from destroying these poor birds they caught in some kind of vice they'd set up. Pure, unabated sadistic cruelty. Thankfully, there's always one or more to stop those actions from continuing, but the original intention is disturbing in and of itself. Thinking about it in depth, I came to the conclusion that 90% of it stems from boredom, pure and simple. If, instead, we had teachers who taught us to play an instrument, work with clay, paint, etc, all of those aberrations would come to pass.
Yes, boredom, but boredom does not have to lead to cruelty. As you said, there is art, music, libraries, books, etc. to keep kids busy, as well as sports, nature and just hanging out.
It has to be acknowledged that America is a society that is cruel and violent in so many ways. What I am saying is that people act violently, when violence is an accepted norm.
Despite this reality, there are kind and loving people, many here on Substack. You are an example; you are not the child of long ago.
Not sure if my behaviour with the ants didn't happen because of my situation. I was 8, you see, and my parents were separating. Enter Grandma and to live with her. Old school Italian woman with her own life to live. I was neglected and felt it. Lonely too, since she lived in another town where I didn't know anyone at first. Boredom is putting it mildly. But I'm sure if I had coaching of some sort, I wouldn't have felt so bad. Abandoned, really. :(